When will I ever be happy? When will I learn to live? When will I actually want to live? In a way I’m tired of dreaming of being on suicide watch in a hospital or being buried by my loving parents or cutting myself to the core and just bleeding out or jumping in front of a car on a busy high way or whatever else involves me suffering a long, slow death. All I know is to hate myself with every little bit of me, treat myself like shit, starve myself, pick my skin, cut my arms legs and stomach. I look in the mirror at the most hideous, worthless piece of shit alive and I wonder if I was even meant to be born considering my existence is the biggest mistake. I’ll never have friends who love me because who the fuck wants to ever associate with someone as useless and gross as me? I can’t imagine going far in life because I’m stupid. I’m actually going nowhere in life. I’ll never get married, have kids, be happy. My life is behind white walls in a hospital.
I pray to God that he thinks of me and finds the time to help me stop hating myself. I want to live a happy life. I want to be in control of my mind. I’M DONE WITH HEARING I NEED TO KILL MYSELF.
I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE. But right now I’m stuck. If anyone wants to be my friend, that’d help. But I understand if you don’t give a fuck.